Menstruation, Conception, Childbirth
by Randomonium
Summary: FULL TITLE: Menstruation, Conception, Childbirth and Other Related Matters. Professor Pantoffel is here to present an informative documentary on Menstruation, Conception, Childbirth and Other Related Matters. Rated for language.


_Professor Pantoffel is here to present a informative documentary on the matters of…_

**Menstruation, Conception, Childbirth and Other Related Matters**

_Women go through menstruation on a monthly cycle, if they are healthy, from their teens until menopause. The woman's body is flushing out the old layer of blood and the unfertilized egg and starting, once again, to prepare the uterus for pregnancy._

"Yo, Shikamaru. Why aren't you at home with your sexy girlfriend?" Kiba grinned, waggling his eyebrows at the slouching figure.

Shikamaru glanced up sullenly. "It's Temari's time of the month. So if you don't mind, I'm gonna stay right here."

_Another egg is ejected from the ovaries through the fallopian tube and settles in the womb, awaiting fertilization. _

"Fucking ovaries! Just die already!" Temari screamed in the general direction of her uterus, causing Shikamaru to wince behind her.

_Women may feel uncomfortable during the five or so days on which she menstruates each month, which is understandable, because she would be expelling excess blood from her vagina._

"I don't bloody want to!" Shikamaru bellowed at the front door.

"Just fucking get them, goddamnit!" Teari screeched, and slammed the door.

Shikamaru groaned and started trudging down the path.

"What was that about?" Naruto asked, as he had been passing by.

"I have to go buy her pads," Shikamaru grumbled, and slouched past his frozen friend.

_Occasionally, cramps occur._

"Shikamaru," Temari groaned, shaking the other occupant of the bed awake. "Shikamaru, I've got cramps. Go get me a hot water bottle, please?"

Shikamaru buried his face in the pillow. "Temari, it's two in the morning. Can't you go get it yourself?"

Suddenly, Shikamaru found a hand gripping his collar, and himself staring into Temari's flashing glare.

"Go. Get. Me. A. Fucking. Hot water bottle," she growled.

Grudgingly accepting that he was well and truly whipped, Shikamaru hauled himself out of bed and did what she ask… demanded.

_Just before a woman starts menstruating, her hormone levels are imbalanced, which may cause her to be overly emotional, and easily upset._

"Shikamaru, I feel like chicken tonight. Do we have any chicken?" Temari asked.

"No. We ate the last of it yesterday. We have some fish, though," Shikamaru told her.

"I don't feel like fish. I want chicken!" Temari choked, tears welling up in her eyes.

Shikamaru looked at her sobbing in a panic. "Why the hell are you crying?" he cried desperately.

_Women often don't want to get pregnant, so they use various contraceptive measures._

The room was filled with intermittent heavy breaths as hands roamed everywhere.

Temari moaned as Shikamaru's lips slipped on her neck.

"You better have a condom," she muttered with a small breathless laugh, "Because if you don't, we're risking it."

Shikamaru chuckled and lifted his lips to hers. "Sounds good to me," he murmured against her lips.

_The egg in a woman's uterus is fertilized through sexual intercourse. When the man achieves sexual climax, his sperm is injected into the woman's uterus. The egg is fertilized when the first sperm cell breaks through the protective layer. It is not immediately obvious to the woman she is pregnant. Some woman experience cravings during pregnancy, and these cravings do start almost as soon as the egg is fertilized._

"I fell like pine nut cooldrink. I really, really feel like pine nut cooldrink."

"…Temari, you hate pine nut cooldrink. You said it was the most disgusting thing on this planet."

"I know, and it is, but… I'm, like, craving it…"

_Women often only notice that they're pregnant after about a month or so when they notice that they haven't menstruated. In the second or third month, women often experience vomiting and nausea._

Shikamaru wasn't unduly concerned when Temari came home with a furrowed forehead and proceeded to lock herself in the bathroom- he had lived with her long enough to know that she went through some odd moods, especially when it was time for her to get her period.

He did, however, become slightly concerned when she didn't emerge within the hour. And then even more worried, and slightly annoyed, when she was still in there an hour later.

"Temari?" he called, knocking on the bathroom door. "Temari, are you gonna be much longer in there? Because it's the only bathroom in the house, and… I kinda need the loo."

There was silence.

"Temari?" he tried again. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not!" Temari yelled back, "I'm 23!"

Shikamaru paused. "Um. Yes. And?"

"And your spawn is gestating inside of me!"

It didn't make sense at first. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks.

"What?" he exploded. "You're pregnant?"

"Looks that way."

"Oh. Wow." Shikamaru was silent in shock for a minute before he winced.

"Um, Temari?" he called, "I still really need the loo."

_During pregnancy the woman's hormones are rather unpredictable, as they are when she is premenstrual._

"Shikamaru, I feel like chicken tonight. Do we have any chicken?" Temari asked.

"N-" Shikamaru stopped before he finished the word. He smiled up at her with her subtly rounded belly. "I was just about to go get some."

_As the baby grows in the mother's womb, it presses down on her bladder, which makes the expectant mother need to urinate often. Pregnant woman start showing at different stages- normally between the second and third semesters, or between three and six months._

"Shikamaru," Temari hissed as they stood in Tsunade's office.

"Temari, shh, not now," he whispered back.

"Shikamaru, I need the bathroom," Temari continued.

"You went just before we left."

"But I need to go again."

"Hold it in."

"I really, really need to go, Shikamaru. Urgently."

"Temari, we're in the middle of-"

"Shikamaru, do you have something to say?" Tsunade interrupted from her desk.

"I'm sorry, Tsunade, it's my fault. May I please be excused? I need the bathroom," Temari spoke for him, her legs tightly crossed.

Tsunade's gaze slipped momentarily to Temari's prominently bulging belly.

"Of course. Shikamaru, next time just let her go."

Shikamaru slumped in defeat as Temari fled the room. "Yes, Lady Hokage."

_Unless the baby is very premature, the woman goes into labour roughly nine months after conception. Labour is normally signaled by contractions, and her water breaking._

"Oh, shhhh…" Temari trailed off, staring at a puddle of liquid on the floor.

Shikamaru looked at it briefly. "Temari, did you just wet yourself?"

Temari turned her disbelieving gaze on him. "Shikamaru, you're a genius. Try to act like one. Ow." She winced with her last word.

Shiakmaru's eyes widened and his mouth fell open. "You mean… the baby's coming?!" he exclaimed.

"No shit Sherlock," Temari said, moving towards the door. "Come on. Let's get to hospital."

_A women can be in labour for anywhere from less than a couple of hours to a couple days. The contractions come in shorter intervals as the delivery time draws near, and can be very painful. Women can also have an easy delivery- it differs, and often runs in the family. The contractions are painful, because the woman's vagina is being widened to a size that the baby can fit through. There are epidurals available for expectant mothers, although going under anaesthetic while giving birth can be risky. If the baby is large, or if there are complications, the woman is usually advised to have a caesarian section, a procedure in which the baby is cut out of the woman's womb._

"Oh fuck it hurts!"

"I'm not ready for this!"

"**You're **not ready for this?! I'm the one pushing the bloody thing out!"

_Once the birth is complete, the umbilical cord is cut, and the baby is normally transferred to a parent's arms._

"She's beautiful," Temari whispered softly.

"She looks like you," Shikamaru murmured, smiling gently at the tiny creature in Temari's arms.

"Where is my grandchild?" Yoshino demanded, throwing open the door.

_This wonderful process is a normal miracle that takes place every day. The baby will then hopefully grow up, and take it's place in the reproductive system._

"Dad. Mom. Um. I'm pregnant."

"What?! No! You're not ready!"

"…Dad. I'm 28, and married."

"…dammit."

"…Holy shit. I'm gonna be a grandma."

-END-

**A/N: I wrote this in one day. It was inspired by… my Latin project. Sorta. It was the title of one of the chapters. And my friend was like 'what's that memo thing?' and I said 'it's chapter plans.' so she reads it and goes 'what story is this?' and I'm silent and then go 'n00b. It's for my PROJECT. Because I would so totally have a chapter called 'Surgeons and Surgeries' and then she said... it's got a really long title, this story, but anyway she said it would make a awesome story title and I was like '...heyyy, it would!... I BAGS IT!' Didja know Romans and Ancient Greeks had natural abortificants? It's fascinating.**

**Anyway, hope you enjoyed it, and please review.**

**Oh, and can't you just imagine Professor Pantoffel? A homely little white haired old man with an earnest expression. I can imagine him clearly. =D**


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